This is steering away from what I usually blog about and getting more personal. Writing helps me organize my thought paths and get things out. It also allows me not to feel ashamed of my thoughts or feelings.
So welcome. Here are some of my innermost thoughts:
Dear Anxiety,
I can’t go under you, I can’t go around you, I can’t go over you, I have to walk through you, but anxiety, guess what, I’ve already won because I’m holding the hand of a God who loves me, never leaves my side and is walking right beside THROUGH you into freedom.
Anxiety is lonely.
Anxiety is isolating.
Anxiety is scary.
Anxiety is confusing.
Anxiety is bondage.
Anxiety is something that I am treasuring that is NOT a part of the Kingdom of God.
Anxiety. It’s such a buzzword. Yet, so many people struggle with different forms of it. Anxiety is wreaking havoc in the world, communities, families, and individuals. For me, anxiety comes and goes. Right now, I am going through a season. I’m trying my best to move forward but some days are just hard.
It’s easy to read a post or listen to a blog with someone talking about anxiety and think “Oh they have it together if I could just do that” or “Wow, they are so lucky they aren’t dealing with anxiety anymore.”
Here’s the disclaimer:
This is a moment in time that I wrote this. I have my good and bad days. My goal is to take my head knowledge and make it belief in the deepest parts of my heart and soul. I hope that as I write and as I process, the narrative will change in my brain.
It’s stealing my joy.
It’s stealing my time.
It’s stealing my mental capacity.
It feels like it’s winning, but in the deepest parts of my being, with faith the size of a literal mustard seed, I believe God is working in me, through me, and for me. Even if I can’t feel it. I am doing all I can to do my side of the work, but I am trusting (mustard seed-size trust) that he is holding up his side. There is deeper healing work that needs to be done in my heart, soul, and mind.
This is what I have learned so far…
- It’s not about me doing more. It’s about being still and letting God work in me.
- I can’t be fearful and grateful at the same time so I am committing to writing down all that I am grateful for whenever I am fearful. Which right now is quite often. (Thank you Ann Voskamp)
- I am not alone because God is with me, always, but also because there are other people dealing with what I’m dealing with.
- When I choose to treasure Kingdom things, I am free. Get out of the comfort of the constant worry and what-if cycle and climb into the comfort of Jesus’ lap. He is a true comfort. What is “comfortable” is holding you back from true comfort.
- Remember the times He has been faithful.
- Keep going to therapy.
- Be in community with other believers, this is where hope is found. Hearing different stories of faith and seeing God working through different lives.
- Jesus delights in me. My anxiety is not too much for him. He sings over me!
- When I step out of my isolated brain (I don’t isolate my body, I go inward), I feel freedom because my focus is on something else.
- When I am grateful, my perspective shifts, and out of that shift, joy shows up. Ann Voskamp says that when we list what we are grateful for, we list all the gifts that God has given us, and we realize that we are thanking the giver of the gifts. We start to see his love for us in the smallest of things.
So here’s the truth about anxiety-
- Anxiety is lonely, but God being omnipresent makes it so you are never alone.
- Anxiety is isolating, but God being rich in mercy pulls me from the isolation and brings me to a spacious place because he delights in me.
- Anxiety is scary, but God says to make up my mind not to be afraid because He has given me grace for this moment. I haven’t reached the next moment, but I can have faith that He will continue to provide me with grace in that moment as well.
- Anxiety is confusing, but nothing is confusing to God because he is omniscient.
- Anxiety is bondage, but God frees me from what entraps me.
- Anxiety is not a treasure of the Kingdom of God, but God is ever loving, ever merciful, and ever grace-filled giving treasures of truth to hold onto so that I may walk in the now and not yet filled with gratitude that he is the giver of good things.
So yeah, anxiety, it’s there, it’s big, BUT GOD is bigger, he is my strength when I am weak. I will get through this because it’s a season and joy comes in the morning.
Continuing forward,
Lauren
P.S. If you would like some more encouragement, read my “Dear Anxiety” series.