Cautiously Optimistic, Expectantly Waiting, & Patient
So much has happened in our adoption journey, but I will give you the “short” version. I am leaving out some details for privacy and protection.
We have been on an adoption journey for three years. When we first jumped headfirst into this journey, we were told a timeline that soon changed, and we didn’t see any movement. At first, when we signed our contract, we had been seeing movement, but that soon changed. We were told this is normal and that Africa does not do things on our time. Along the way, the agency would dangle a carrot in front of our faces, covering up the red flags we began to see.
We confronted our agency at the time with our concerns and were met with many excuses. Then, more details came to light about a warrant for our then-FSP. It felt like our agency started trying to cover stuff up. This is solely a personal opinion and is not evidence-based, but they sent out NDA’s to all the families asking us to sign the NDA to get our child’s deposit back. This “child deposit” was a holder for how many kids you were approved for. We told them we would not sign the NDA and that we understood that we would forfeit any money returned. However, a couple of days later, we received another email from our agency telling us they were not asking us to sign an NDA to receive the returned money. Again, solely opinion here: It felt like a lawyer got involved and told them to retract what they had said. With this, we were told we could still receive some money back, but the emails went cold, and there was no follow-through.
If you are reading this and your agency has asked for money up front for services that haven’t been rendered, please ask questions. There is no reason that agencies should need that money before services are rendered.
We chose to leave our first agency, with which we were under contract, because of the things that came to light and our gut feeling that they were trying to cover up or hide certain things. We asked very pointed questions and received general answers that did not curb our worry over unethical practices. We reported them to IAAME and wiped our hands of them.
Months later, the agency we were with ended up losing its accreditation. This is serious, and we were glad that some fellow families alerted us to behind-the-scenes activities. Not only were we lied to, but we were betrayed, and all the money that we had paid was gone. We did not get any money returned even after the NDA debacle. We received an email along with all the other families in our specific program, and Jordan and I felt the Holy Spirit prompt us to reach out to both agencies in the country we were trying to adopt.
When Jordan got up to work out the next day, his phone pinged. One of the agencies had already gotten back to us and wanted to hop on a call. He woke me from my deep slumber, where I had to take out my mouthguard and say a few words before I could talk to another human being without sounding groggy. We set up a meeting soon after, where the Holy Spirit made it evident that we were to move forward. We had talked about what it would have to look like for us to continue to move forward with adoption, and the things we discussed were all transparently addressed in this meeting. We signed a new contract with a new agency and saw some movement!
When we signed with our new agency, we wanted to ensure the number of families they take on is capped. Our agency said they were willing to take on 8-10 families. This was a massive relief for us as we knew that the program we had just come from had 60ish families. That is way too many families to be in one program where it’s proven impossible to follow their promises. We went in at number 7 on their list. Soon after, we found out that two families had been issued a referral as we were coming in, so we were now number 5. We waited a couple more months and found out we were number 4. This was so exciting.
The country we are in is pretty new to the whole adoption concept. There are many true orphans, but the government resources are low, which makes getting those orphans permanent homes difficult. Plus, just like here, the justice system is sometimes flawed, so people who are doing good work are getting arrested, which makes getting referrals and finalizing an adoption that much harder. In the court system, adoptions are not prioritized. The court system is much more willing to go through a land dispute than an adoption process.
Our agency and the two other agencies in our specific country devised a plan to streamline adoptions in the country to help the Ministry Director receive the resources he needed to do his job well, so that the families in the U.S. who have been (im)patiently waiting could receive these referrals quicker. It’s not about whether orphans are available; it’s about the HOW. How do we get all the necessary documentation the child needs to be considered for adoption? How do we find out where their family is? Do they have any surviving relatives? How do we get the resources to get all this information? Our agency hopes to help the Ministry in these “hows.” With the help of the two other agencies in the U.S. who are currently adopting from this country, all three agencies are now on the same page, putting the same systems in place so everything is streamlined. When families now go to court, the hope is that the judge will see that there is an excellent system in use and that it’s working like a well-oiled machine. The Ministry Director also seems to be on the same page and has expressed hope and goals to the three agencies. We are trusting they are doing their part, and we are doing ours, staying cautiously optimistic, expectantly waiting, and trying to remain patient. There hasn’t been any movement recently, which is very discouraging.
As we continue on this journey, we learn that international adoption is full of hiccups, hoops, and hope—sometimes false hope, in our case, but we still hope at the end of the day. Because what is life without hope?
Waiting is a Wilderness
I was feeling down about how long we had waited for our dream of adoption to come true. One afternoon, I sat down to look through the Bible and read about other people in history who have waited. Waiting can be lonely, and I knew lots of people in the Bible waited. What did they do? How did they wait? I needed some encouragement. I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
I opened up my daily devotional book, where I read a chapter from a different book each day, and then on Fridays, I read all four chapters from the different books and look specifically at God’s character. That day, I read Acts 1. The devotional prompt asked, “Are there areas of your life where you are waiting for Him to do something new and maybe feel as if you have been waiting for a very long time?” I was hooked. I looked up Acts 1 and read it. One verse stuck out to me. Here it is in The Message and NIV versions:
v.7:
“You don’t get to know the time. Timing is the Father’s business. What you’ll get is the Holy Spirit.”
NIV v. 7:
“It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.”
The Israelites in the Wilderness
When Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt, they were elated not to be under Pharaoh’s rule as slaves. Their humanness caught up to their excitement when they got to the wilderness. Their fickle, finite brains started to doubt. Doubt that God was good. Doubt that they would get out. They went as far as wishing to return under Pharaoh’s rule so they wouldn’t be hungry. They grumbled and because they disbelieved in the one true God’s Promised Land, they ended up making idols to worship because they felt more secure in self-protecting than having faith that God would bring them through, that his promise would come to fruition.
Because they chose to turn to disobedience, they stayed in the wilderness for 40 years. 40 flipping years! Even then, God cared for them and showed them His unconditional love. He provided manna each day for them to consume. This manna taught them to trust God with their needs. He only allowed each person to take the manna they would consume in one day (besides the 6th day, when they would gather enough for the sabbath). If they took more, the manna would be inedible. This taught the Israelites that he is a trustworthy God and keeps his promises. He’s also worthy of obedience, which the Israelites had to learn the hard way.
The Israelites were often disobedient, specifically when the spies returned with a negative report about the land they were to conquer. They chose to believe the fear-driven report rather than the God who gave them a command. They were acting in their false identity rather than their true God-given identity.
Choosing True Identity
There is a constant battle in my spirit to resist the temptation of negative thinking and forget all God has said to me. When I choose Jesus, my mind rests, and my heart is at peace. I have also noticed that in this time of transformation, the devil is working even more to bring my spirit down. But God, being ever faithful, reminds me, “I have done it once, I will do it again. I am faithful.”
I either give in to the temptation that the devil is sending my way, or I choose truth, just like Jesus chose truth to throw back at the devil. When I choose the truth, the lie dies. Every single time a lie comes my way, I choose the truth. Whenever this happens, and I choose the truth, my mind strengthens. Once I build this new habit of combating the lies, I can more quickly combat them without thinking about it. It becomes second nature.
Believing the truth instead of the lies is a small step in obedience. As I continue to obey, listening to where God is leading me, he prepares me through all the small obediences.
The wilderness will do one of two things: Move us away from God or towards him.
Lately, I’ve been focusing on a prayer exercise Jamie Winship teaches. It’s two simple questions: What do you want me to know? What do you want me to do? Since I have changed my prayer into a conversation, I am hearing the Holy Spirit more. It takes practice, but the most remarkable thing is hearing the voice of God, and when I hear the voice of God, it leads me to consolation, not desolation.
Once I get to a spot where I am no longer spiraling, I can be in more of an offensive than a defensive mode. From what I’ve learned, being in an offensive mode is easier to handle than the challenging defensive mode. It didn’t happen suddenly when I found myself in defensive mode; it was a slow change in my lack of discipline with choosing to believe lies about myself or God’s character. In this prayer time with the Holy Spirit, I’m learning that deep-rooted beliefs from childhood have stuck with me that aren’t true. So, I’m letting the Lord show me what is true, to replace the lies.
Hebrews 4:12
“For the (spoken) word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”
Jamie Winship talks a lot about how God always speaks, but we don’t hear him. Whether that be unforgiveness in our hearts, causing that, not being taught how to listen to Him, or you’ve never asked, God is always speaking, but we need to tune our ears to His voice. That comes with practice, knowing our true identity, and stopping living in our false identity.
Holding on to Hope
As we wait, learn, and practice, we hold out hope that this adoption will end in success. We hope that our dream of adopting a child will come to fruition. We continue to believe that the Lord put adoption on our hearts. We hope all the hoops and hiccups we have had to go through will be well worth it. We hold on to the truth that even though we believe God has called us to adoption, it doesn’t automatically mean the journey will be easy when God calls us to something. But he didn’t call us into this to leave us. The Israelites didn’t see a way through, but God did. So, we continue with the Lord as we move forward. Listening, asking, and seeking.
Get More LoDown in these posts:
Why I Ask My Child for Forgiveness
Please read more about Jamie and his Ministry, Identity Exchange.
